Where there’s a will

When I was eight, my father died. Suddenly and catastrophically. Although we were pretty sure we didn’t even know for days if he was in a hospital bed, unidentified or a mortuary. Sadly it was the latter. Oh gosh, even thinking about those days makes the end of my nose hurt and my eyes prick. Something like that leaves its mark on your heart and changes so much about you. Your world is no longer certain, parents die and you only have one left.

One thing that happened was that we knew who we would live with were the worst to happen. That was a very secure thought for me. I would imagine which room I would have in their house and how happy I would be to spend more time with them. I survived my childhood without losing another parent and gradually the raw pain of my loss faded to a background aching. When I was expecting Milla my thoughts turned to the possibility that Mr Kat and I could die – I know, cheery. We spent a long time discussing who we would ask to be guardians of our children. How do you chose the people who will replace you as the central figures in a child’s life? Who would raise them with similar values? Who would welcome them into their hearts no matter what? Ultimately, who did we trust most in the world?

We chose my best friend and her partner. A couple who’s kindness and open hearts give me the same security I felt as a child. We have dragged our heels about making a will but finally it is being written. I cannot tell you how I feel about their generosity but I know where I feel it. With every fibre of my being.

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16 Comments

  • Reply New Mummy March 30, 2010 at 1:37 pm

    Wow how horrible for you.

    We haven’t written a will yet, we really should, thank you for the reminder

  • Reply amy March 30, 2010 at 3:07 pm

    Your post made me cry a little bit. We will love and take care of your children no matter what happens. Thank you for choosing us. We both feel very honoured.

    xxx

    p.s that is a funny picture of us.
    p.p.s looking forward to seeing you all on Saturday. x

  • Reply Natalie March 30, 2010 at 3:38 pm

    Beautifully written even for this sad and very difficult subject. I’m sorry for the loss you experienced. Love the pic hugs x Note to self: must broach this difficult subject and sort this out.

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  • Reply Vonnie March 30, 2010 at 3:41 pm

    I’m so sorry for your experience my love. Our kids go to my Dad & his wife if anything happens to us which is a relief to know.

  • Reply TheMadHouse March 30, 2010 at 3:48 pm

    Oh my tears for me, I lost my father 9 years aho and couldnt even thing of your loss too much, we too have made a decision and put all in place. The boys Godparents have agreed to be their legal gardans should anything happen

  • Reply uberVU - social comments March 30, 2010 at 3:48 pm

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  • Reply Alice March 30, 2010 at 3:55 pm

    How moving. I am so sorry you experienced loss at such a young age.
    With a baby on the way this is really the kind of thing I need to be considering.

  • Reply Abby March 30, 2010 at 6:27 pm

    That’s so, so sad, a child in my son’s class lost her father last year & I can see how it has affected both her and her family. It is such a tough life changing event for anyone to go through, let alone a child. It must be very reassuring to know you have made arrangements for your own children, now you can just get on with life knowing you have a will etc in place and that they will be cherished and cared for should something happen.

    We made a will when we bought our house and at that stage only had one child. We had put down SIL & BIL but I can now see that wouldn’t really work. We need to change our will but have put it off so we could tie it in with when we move. Mine & my husband’s families are very different and I do fear what could happen with the kids if anything was to happen to us both. You are lucky to have good friends that you would trust. We really don’t know who we would ask, taking on 3 kids is a bit commitement. I am hoping we can stay alive for another 8 years and then our oldest son could look after the others ;)

  • Reply BertieD March 30, 2010 at 6:37 pm

    Thanks for sharing a very personal story. You have a very real reason for making this arrangement for your children but it is something we should all think of.
    Although S has guide-parents we have never really discussed where he would go if the worst was to happen. Our will remains in it’s packet not even started, where it has been for the last five years.
    I think the choice of friends is a wise one as on many levels some of my friends are far more ‘like’ me than either of our families.
    Hmm you’ve really got me thinking.

  • Reply zooarchaeologist March 30, 2010 at 8:04 pm

    A really beautifully written post. Thank you for sharing this. Funnily enough this is a topic me and Alex have been chatting about a lot recently. You have made me think about actually going ahead with our plans formally. I think you have made a very good choice x

  • Reply Andrea March 31, 2010 at 11:51 am

    Thanks for sharing that. We’ve just written our will. What with four children between us and three different fathers (I know…but who knew!!!) it’s been a tough one to write.

  • Reply Kat April 1, 2010 at 12:43 pm

    Thank you all for your heartfelt comments. xx

  • Reply Kitschy Coo April 1, 2010 at 6:46 pm

    What a difficult thing for you to go through at such a young age. Sending much love.

    My brother and his wife asked us if we would raise their children if anything happened to them and what a monumental privilege it was to be asked. It prompted a discussion between S and I as to what would happen with our kids and unfortunately we just can’t agree. I’d want them to go to my family in the States but he’d want them with his family in Scotland. I’m not sure how we’ll come to an agreement but your post has reminded me we really should.

  • Reply nixdminx April 2, 2010 at 10:28 am

    I’m glad you’ve written this because there are two children at my school who have lost a parent and I know two of my friends who lost their Mothers at a young age. There is a shroud of secrecy around the insecurity that parental loss at an early age brings and it sounds like you had a good plan b if it all went wrong.

  • Reply SandyCalico April 5, 2010 at 9:40 pm

    Apologies for being horrendously late with my comment. I’m so sorry for your loss.
    Thanks for the reminder about making a will. Hubby and I spoke about it today x

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