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Hope and Denial

2011 August 27
by Kat


I sometimes feel like I am turning my head away from our problems. Breathing a little more quickly and pushing the thoughts from my head. Making different choices but keeping the reasons for them on the edge of my consciousness. Living life ever so slightly on edge, waiting waiting waiting for the worst to happen.

For more than a year now, Mr Kat’s company have been paying him erratically. Often late, sometimes in dribs and drabs. Most recently; not at all.

In fact, not being paid at all is a relief because the worst has happened. And now that it has happened the paralysis I’ve felt for the last months has lifted. The situation is by no means rosy and I’m sure there will be dark days ahead but now the fear has passed I feel we are ready to fight.

This week, as the situation became too big to ignore, I sobbed over vegetables. I fretted that I couldn’t go to the shop and buy more food. I imagined I would have nothing to feed my children and that scared me.

When I was done with the panic I opened my cupboards and emptied out the staples. I began to make lists of meals made with these cheap ingredients which would nourish us yet cost little. I took back control of my kitchen. After all, why fill my store cupboards if not for times of need?

I have always thought that having a young family would bring some lean times. We have come close to the knuckle in the past few years as we coped with my fluctuating work amongst other things. I may not be thrifty by nature but I am resourceful and imaginative; it is time to draw on that.

This week my sleeves have been rolled up. I have been following up advertising leads, calculating how I can use my keeping in touch days wisely before the end of my maternity leave and sorting outgrown baby gear for sale. It may not solve our problems but little by little it will help. I’ve asked for business advice from twitter and was overwhelmed with advice from people pointing us in directions we’d never considered.

Friends have emailed, called, offered work and even sent hand-me-down bundles for the children. Such kindness from people who have come into my life in various ways but mostly through my online life. A community I am grateful for every single day.

So I’m looking at the road ahead with hope. Hope that we can work our way out of this situation. Hope that this will be an opportunity and hope for a life filled with love no matter what lies ahead.


31 Responses
  1. August 27, 2011

    Latest at Housewife: Hope and Denial –

  2. August 27, 2011

    Oh Kat, sorry to have missed this saga on Twitter. I had no idea you & MrK were coping with such stress. Massive kudos to you for tackling it head on and in such a practical way. What a great example for your kids and all of us going through similar things in this economy. Good luck for the future and please let me know if there’s anything I can do to help. x

    • August 27, 2011

      Thanks Ruth. Was pretty quiet on Twitter just some business advice and the like. You could stop tempting me with your stunning clothes…!

  3. August 27, 2011

    I’m so sorry you’re going through a bad patch right now, but think you have a great attitude about it all. Let me know if I can help in any way. xxx

  4. August 27, 2011

    I know something of what its like to have that constant feeling of worry over money. (after our troubles last year with the rouge builders from hell) I do so admire your positive outlook which I know isn’t easy to have in the circumstances, but you have a lovely family and your health and those things are the most important in life. Things will look up I’m sure. In the meantime if you need a listening ear or there’s anything I can do, I’d be only too happy to help in whatever way I can. Not sending hugs as I know you aren’t keen ;) xx

    • August 27, 2011

      Thank you Abby, you are right our health and each other are two amazing gifts not to be overlooked. *awkward touch to the shoulder*

  5. August 27, 2011

    I too had missed that on Twitter, but I’m pleased you got such a fantastic response. I’m really sorry to hear that things are so difficult, but as you say, sometimes there’s small relief in the worst having happened, rather than feeling like it’s forever about to happen. Wishing you luck & resourcefulness. Florence x

    • August 27, 2011

      I was being subtle for once as the company owner follows me! Thank you x

  6. August 27, 2011

    Sending you all love and strength during this time. Indeed we find out what we’re made of in these tough times, and it sounds like you guys are really pulling together as a family and that is awe-inspiring. Good things come to good people, and my dear, you’re the best! xxx

  7. August 27, 2011

    Package of love on it’s way to you after the long weekend. x

    • August 28, 2011

      Thank you Sian, I really appreciate the support you have given me x

  8. August 28, 2011

    Girl that’s the spirit! I’m sorry that you’re having to go through this. I’m glad, however, that are able to pull on your considerable strengths in hard times. This will pass and you will be even strongr and closer as a family. I wish you a quick solution and much happier times.
    k xx

    • August 28, 2011

      Thank you Karen. It will make us stronger and take us into the future with greater resources for sure.

  9. August 28, 2011

    Hi Kat,

    Wishing you lots of love and luck in coming through the difficult times, sounds like you are doing an amazing job, honestly I know how hard it can be.

    Your post very much resonates with me as my partner has a history of redundancy/non-renewed contracts etc, the stress and reality of this can be so hard to bear. I have always felt that so long as we have each other, and we are okay in ourselves, then that will have to do, and of course (sorry stating the obvious) is all that matters really. I know how simplistic that sounds but I remember the first month I went freelance (nearly 10 years ago) and my partner was diagnosed with cancer, I earned the princely sum of £180 and Neil lost his job soon after.

    I’m not a naturally thrifty person either but then I have never considered myself a big spender – I always remember when my girls were little and work was up and down, I kept on and on that it didn’t cost anything to feed the ducks!

    Like plenty of others I was brought up in a household that often struggled financially, when Neil has lost his job in the past, I have worried about how our family will be affected but knowing from my own exeprience money isn’t at the root of a happy childhood really helped.

    To have a life filled with love no matter what lying ahead is the best thing ever, rich or poor, I reckon. It really is all that matters. xx

    • August 28, 2011

      Thank you Linda. It really helps to know that other people have been there and survived. It was the same when we were children and I think I am exceptionally lucky to have means of earning money from home whilst looking after my children, the modern age really is a wonder!

  10. August 28, 2011

    You are inspirational and I have no doubt that your family are tremendously proud of you. x

  11. August 28, 2011

    Good for your for being resourceful, focussed and frankly “glass half full” money comes and goes, we have been experiencing similar this year with my hubbys work I’m telling you so you know there are others with similar challenges. We have eaten a lot of baken potatoes and meals made from eggs ;-) everything will come good for you, good things happen to good people, its the transitional times that are the big roller coaster. Love and luck to you all. Claire x

    • August 31, 2011

      Thanks Claire, I really feel for you being in the same situation x

  12. August 28, 2011

    It is amazing how resourceful you can be when you need to be. We’ve had a tough year so far and have amazed ourselves how little we actually need, how thrifty we can be and by planning meals you can save a fortune! Having said that, I hope this is a temporary blip ;-)

    • August 28, 2011

      Thank you. I hope it will serve us well in the long term. Who knows, perhaps we’ll even manage savings one day :)

  13. August 29, 2011

    Hi lovely,

    didnt realise you were facing tough times, My husband was made redundant twice whilst i was on mat leave and I have been writing the lists and watching the pennies and sobbing when the carbreaks down and the washing machine starts to drool on the floor.

    It’s a cliche but I feel rich when I look at my kids and poor when I look in my purse,

    keep smiling and hopefully all will come good.

    J x

    • August 31, 2011

      That’s a lovely way of putting it x

      • August 31, 2011

        Glass full and all that!

        seriously though, keep smiling; you never know what is round the corner x

  14. August 30, 2011

    So sorry Kat, I had no idea. I can’t say I know exactly how you feel because I don’t know you very well or your circumstances. I do know that we’ve been ‘that’ close in the past and am all too familiar with the feeling of wandering around the supermarket on edge, not knowing if I’m going to be able to pay for it all when I get to the till. And sobbing when the electricity bill arrives even before I’ve opened the envelope. And being scared to death about what will happen generally. Yet somehow life sorts things out and love pulls you out the other end. Be sure of that. If there’s anything we can do, anything at all, you know where we are – B

    • August 31, 2011

      Thank you Bev, sounds pretty familiar. You are right, we will come out with love. x

  15. September 1, 2011

    Sorry to hear you are having a tough time right now. S x

  16. September 2, 2011

    As others have said – well done you, that’s the attitude

    You are going to be fine, you’ve got over the horrid shock and at least now have a plan

    Take care and fingers crossed that it improves really soon

  17. September 12, 2011

    oh god, Kat. How awful!!! I certainly hope that this is a short term problem and things turn right side up again soon.

    I am thinking of you all.

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