Hope and Denial
I sometimes feel like I am turning my head away from our problems. Breathing a little more quickly and pushing the thoughts from my head. Making different choices but keeping the reasons for them on the edge of my consciousness. Living life ever so slightly on edge, waiting waiting waiting for the worst to happen.
For more than a year now, Mr Kat’s company have been paying him erratically. Often late, sometimes in dribs and drabs. Most recently; not at all.
In fact, not being paid at all is a relief because the worst has happened. And now that it has happened the paralysis I’ve felt for the last months has lifted. The situation is by no means rosy and I’m sure there will be dark days ahead but now the fear has passed I feel we are ready to fight.
This week, as the situation became too big to ignore, I sobbed over vegetables. I fretted that I couldn’t go to the shop and buy more food. I imagined I would have nothing to feed my children and that scared me.
When I was done with the panic I opened my cupboards and emptied out the staples. I began to make lists of meals made with these cheap ingredients which would nourish us yet cost little. I took back control of my kitchen. After all, why fill my store cupboards if not for times of need?
I have always thought that having a young family would bring some lean times. We have come close to the knuckle in the past few years as we coped with my fluctuating work amongst other things. I may not be thrifty by nature but I am resourceful and imaginative; it is time to draw on that.
This week my sleeves have been rolled up. I have been following up advertising leads, calculating how I can use my keeping in touch days wisely before the end of my maternity leave and sorting outgrown baby gear for sale. It may not solve our problems but little by little it will help. I’ve asked for business advice from twitter and was overwhelmed with advice from people pointing us in directions we’d never considered.
Friends have emailed, called, offered work and even sent hand-me-down bundles for the children. Such kindness from people who have come into my life in various ways but mostly through my online life. A community I am grateful for every single day.
So I’m looking at the road ahead with hope. Hope that we can work our way out of this situation. Hope that this will be an opportunity and hope for a life filled with love no matter what lies ahead.