I recall one of those tedious emails that went round offices back in the day when I worked in one. It was a musing on friends, ending in a call to send it on and return it to its sender to show that you had a lasting friendship. Misery guts that I am I don’t think I ever did so. Ho hum, what was I saying? Oh yes, this email thing talked about friends and one line stuck in my head: some people are in your life for a reason, some just for a season. That’s all I remember and I know at the time I felt odd about it. I’m the kind of person who, while I find it hard to express how I feel, cares deeply for her friends. I don’t like it when friendships end, when people move on. It cuts me right to my heart and takes me a long time to get over it. Sadly, I am a right pain in the arse and not easy to get on with. So more often than not, people have just had enough of my peculiar ways.
Recently it seems one of my friends has gone by the way side. As you can imagine I am very sad about this, it was with a heavy heart I accepted the inevitable. As I was thinking of what letting go of this meant for me, that reason/season line popped into my head. Today, as I cut a virtual connection, I thought not about the sadness of ending but about the season we had enjoyed together.
We became friends shortly after becoming mothers. I reached out to you and you responded. Gradually we spent more and more time together. Taking our daughters to baby classes, exchanging ideas, moaning about our day to day irritations. Our babies turned into toddlers, we conspired over our second pregnancies. We spent so many long days together and shared so much. Our tastes and interests seemed so similar. You knew my children better than some family and they loved you so much. I would have done anything for you and your children. You were interested and interesting, company which was always welcome. After my second child arrived you were one of the two people I told my blackest thoughts to. Thoughts I could only write down and never managed to banish. I thought you understood what it did to me.
Now as our children blossom and you bloom it seems our season has come to an end. If you had asked me where I saw this ending I would have told you we’d be trading granny tips and rolling our eyes at how our daughters raised their children. I did not realise that in the heat of the moment, what I said to you would spell the end. I am so sorry for this and wish it could be taken back. But even if it could be taken back I wonder if that would matter? Perhaps it was an inevitable catalyst which brought out resentments long seated.
Our season together was such a beautiful time in my life. I have never been more happy than I have been as a Mama and I treasure the times we shared. I wish light and love for you and your family. I will never stop hoping that we might find another season together some day.
Amazing post – could have something like it myself about my own situation, except not so eloquently.
Thank you Sally, I am sure you could write something far better and with a few laughs too.
Oh Kat, I’m sorry you’re hurting. Beautiful words about friendship, and true. x
Thank you Amanda x
Years ago I was living abroad, I’d fled the UK from a very failed love affair. I was miserable, I knew no one and I was in a pretty dark place. To cheer myself up I decided to get my hair done and I met a really kind soul in my new hairdresser. He befriended me, cheered me up and made me laugh and made me realise what an idiot I’d been.
He told me then that some people are in your life for maybe a fleeting time and some are there forever, but all are there to teach you something. Sometimes you’re lucky and friends are for life and sometimes there to help you when you most need it. It’s good you are thinking of the good times and what your friendship bough you xx
I am glad you found someone when you needed them. If I look back without the ending then from my point of view there was so much good but it seems it was only from my point of view. x
You sound like me, I tend to live in the future so I find it shocking when I lose a friendship. I have come to the conclusion though that those people who you meet as part of the stage of life where you have kids are just fleeting people. Its lovely, but having kids seems to change you in so many ways from week to week. Put it behind you, before you know it you will find someone else and if not, time is a healer and you may well come together on the common ground that you shared.
I’m a hardened soul, but I do honestly know where you are coming from and I say this from experience. xx
You speak sense, it is much like work colleagues, all you have in common is the situation you are currently in and there is rarely much there when you move on.
[...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Super Kat, Super Kat. Super Kat said: Latest at Housewife: Goodbye friend – I recall one of those tedious emails that went round offices back in the day w… http://ow.ly/18lrlT [...]
It’s heartbreaking when friends move on… It’s hard to accept but the way you write about it shows you still love and respect your lost friend is really lovely – it’s all to easy to get all bitter and twisted and you’ve shown what a gracious accepting person you are.
Thank you Katie, although I am kinda bitter too :)
Oh, Kat. Something very similar has just happened to me too and I wish I could express my hurt and upset so eloquently. I’m sorry you’re sad but hope you take comfort in the many MANY people who adore the very bones of you xx
Thank you Vonnie, you are one special lady x
I’m so sorry you have lost a friendship. I think I must be much the same for I cheris my friend close… it takes alot to break through my barriers and be my friend and see me for who I am… and then to loose that friendship you have invested in and opened your heart to… it does indeed cut to the bone.
Yes, that is the heart of it. So hard to get there in the first place that the ‘break up’ is all the more devastating. Thank you Apryl x
Beautifully written and I feel for you that you’re experiencing this as I know you will take this very much to your core. I’ve heard that saying too – from an ex assclown but wont dwell. He said reason, a season, or for a lifetime. Must agree with ‘Zoo’ that friendships borne out of having kids can be unstable. You need more than kids and procreation for friendship and I’ve discovered that unless we would have been friends anyway, it’s going to have competing, one upmanship, and other odd things that seem to come packaged with some ‘friendships’.
You need shared values for any relationship to work and while it’s nice to have the common ground of motherhood, without order shared values you’ll find the friendship will hit bumps. Much like when I speak to people re relationships, in friendship we assume that because we feel like we have a lot in common with someone through for example, interests, that it will correlate to the rest of the person and they will possess other values, characteristics, and qualities – often they don’t. It’s a bit of a halo effect – we assume someone we’d like to be friends with is a great person with a relatively similar outlook.
Sometimes in situations like this, once you’ve expressed how you feel re an issue and states your position that you let the dust settle. If you have to pretend to be someone you’re not or say you’re Ok or let your boundaries get busted in the name of friendship, it’s not a friendship. Yes you can be honest and no the other person won’t always like, but if they genuinely care about and respect you, they’ll empathise and try and understand your position.
Don’t absorb all the responsibility for the friendship ending
Hugs xxxx
Ah Natalie, you are a sage. Essentially it would seem that the other party was friends with me because I was who was available but didn’t like the way things were in our relationship. She contacted me after this to say she missed me then in the next breath said she remembered why she didn’t like me so really it is good to let go. I have mostly put my feelings for her and her husband to rest and won’t be letting their issues drag me down. I am well aware of my limitations and don’t need relationships with people who don’t like me! This too shall pass etc x
I hope she reads this, even if it won’t change anything it’s nice to know how someone really feels. Take care. x
Thanks Tracey, I hope she does too as I really don’t harbour ill feeling towards her. x
Its sad, have experienced similar, its a natural cycle of some friendships perhaps, still hurts though (((hugs))) x
Thanks, yes it does and hugs back yo you x